As you remember how it was before your grief - your personal tragedy - your moment of personal crisis - you weep in sorrow over your loss. Everything rubs against your wound of grief. You are reminded of what you have lost. Clear images often come into your mind of how it was before your grief. These memories hang on you like a charm bracelet on your wrist, each charm reminding you of your loss and of your heartache. Your wish is to bring back the happy past. Yet the life you had before your grief experience cannot be readily summoned back. Life happenings cause change. Reality is a very hard task master, yet certain. You must face a "new you". A new normal requires you to live with grief and your loss and move on. Grief can gently lead you through the painful, nevertheless necessary, process of grieving as it helps you find the best path of self- recovery. However try as you may some circumstances place a permanent blockade on a solution. You find your efforts in making lemonade out of sour lemons fail. Try as you may the pain can last forever.
She Is Unaware Of So Much
Alone together is one of those times of unsurmountable grief when a spouse develops Alzheimer's disease. As a caregiver you become fully aware the person you live with is not the woman you fell in love with and married. Her everyday activities of getting dressed, preparing a meal remembering two things she was going to do no longer happen without assistance. She is unaware of the shades that have been drawn over so much of her personality.
Anger That Never Was
Sometimes she explodes in anger over little things she no longer can do. As the caregiver I experience the brunt of that anger. Previously that anger was never there. My heart cries out in anguish as I see the love of my life struggle so. I recognize the vulnerability of her condition and I see it slowly but certainly worsening. I try to run interference for her when we are in public situations. She deserves every respect and lack of embarrassment to her that I can give. I feel her anger over her helplessness. Behind her back I weep for my sweetheart.
Simple Things
No longer can she work a cell phone, remember our mailing address or phone number. She may ask the same question often in the same day. On occasion in the same hour. Her social confidence is stripped. Group settings are confusing and often stressing. She can't remember calendared dates. Usually each day she asks what we have planned for the day. After talking with someone on the phone she may not remember much of the conversation.
Inside Her Head
I have tried to understand what goes on in her mind as if she never listens to a conversation. How unfair it is for a smart person like her to lose pieces of her intellect and independence. She has more difficulty taking care of herself. Shirts will sometimes go on inside out and skirts on backward. She will wear a blouse, pants or coat even though soiled, unconsciously. Oh for a memory stick! Her disease has become my crossword puzzle - I feel blind folded. There is no solution except to deal with it the best I can. I recognize it will worsen and not get better.
At The Beginning Of A Long Journey
I have come to recognize her world defines me. Every day is a charade that never ends. I have read countless books and articles on the subject of dementia care, however the paragraph I need appears to always be missing. Softening the edges about the truth do not solve her problem. I have always been one who tackles a problem face on. Give it to me straight and I will find a solution. Now I fear the future and what I don't understand. I have heard or read of personal stories involving Alzheimer's of unquestioned devotion to the patient. I can tell you as a caregiver it requires an abundance of patience - truck loads. The journey is until death. How long and what pitfalls lie ahead are unknown.
My Wish
Sometimes I think I go to bed with a stranger for she is only partly there. How I wish she were all there. I wish my grandchildren could remember the love of my life the way she once was - energetic, happy, communicable and so fun to be around. Will they remember the one who generated conversation and love to everyone? Instead their memory will be blanketed by a certain sadness of not really knowing the real grandma. I pray that research will find a cure - if not for my sweetheart for the future generations.
You are about to discover 7 Effective Strategies for Overcoming Grief and Reclaiming Your Joy. Visit http://www.griefreliefacademy.com/ to get your FREE 7 day audio and e-course. ($97 value) Duane H. Marchant is a Grief Relief Specialist who supports men and women throughout the world. He is an amputee, author, speaker, coach and founder of Grief Relief Academy. He believes life is precious and dedicates his time to healing hearts and drying eyes, one at a time.
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