Here's the deal. Life is tough, life is always tough. Truth is we, you and I have it better now than those that came before us. Life is still tough. The difficulties, hardships, pains and pressures may be different, but they're real. Yes the world is nuts, but then the world is always nuts. Why then are there more depressed people in the U.S. than at any other time in our history?
I have to admit I'm a little surprised I'm writing this. "Don't be a Cancer" is my new mantra. What does this mean? I have always been an honest, hardworking, easy-going guy. I have always managed to deal with life's day to day pressure, sometimes on my own, other times with help and support, especially from my wife. That all changed, actually I changed October 2007. Amazing that I know exactly when, don't you think? That's the date I started to become a cancer. Like so many others my business and subsequent income took a blow to the stomach like none before. Being in business my entire adult life, I had ups and downs, wins and losses, I always managed to cope. Time = experience taught me how.
The blow that started in October 2007 was different. My main source of income dropped in 12 months by 90%. My newest business venture was bleeding badly and I had to throw in the towel. I lost all of my cash reserves and my debt was well, to be blunt, terminal. I started other businesses with no money, all but one failed. The economy was beating the holy crap out of me. By late 2009, early 2010 I lost the fight, the fight against the inevitable, I lost everything. My house was worth 200,000 less than I owed on it; I had to give up my boat... I know this sounds pathetic, but you need to understand, everything I worked so hard for, what I had become, my life, my lifestyle was gone. Since 2007 we haven't been on one vacation, only a few 'weekends'. How sad is that?
Since 2007 I have been in the hospital twice, both anxiety related. Vertigo and the other I can't remember. The cancer in my mind was growing, and growing fast. I got light headed all the time, I had a couple of other medical 'conditions / afflictions' that were directly related to the stress. Although I tried my hardest to put on a face for my family, the pressure was too great. I became depressed, started having bad thoughts. When I was home, I tried to be upbeat and loving, but it was near impossible. I knew I was pulling my wife down with me, I will never forgive myself for that.
Sleep? Again, since 2007 the only way I was able to sleep was with help, the medication type. Apparently at it's worst the doctor said I was taking enough sleeping pills to take down a small horse. Nice. Pills to sleep, pills to wake, and pills to keep me from losing it during the day. But it helped. I was able to function and find a center, but somehow still fighting to not be depressed. I always thought, "I'm gunna make it back; it has to be soon; the economy has to improve and when it does I'll be in the right place." Yea... no. The economy, at least for me has not turned around, even a little.
I was now a cancer. A cancer to everyone around me, everyone I knew. All I did was complain and whine. I'm somewhat shocked my wife didn't murder me in my sleep and put me out of my misery... or hers! I still hate myself for putting my family through it. Are you a cancer? Justifiably no one wanted to be around me, I was a 'total bummer'. Funny thing is I knew I was doing this, I knew I was a downer; but as much as I tried, even with some amazing encouragement from my wife and kids, I couldn't shake it. Whew man, I started drinking a lot, a lot a lot. You may not believe me, but never to the point of being drunk, I hate the feeling of being drunk. But I still managed to put it away. I just wanted to get numb.
I got to the point of contacting a few 'professionals' for some help but I was never able to bring myself to go. I knew I had to do something, I had no idea what. I felt I had to pull myself out of it. I had to recognize the fact that no matter what the cause was, the only thing that would change me is me. I am allowed to smile, have fun and be loving. I knew I had to get back to that place. I decided that if I couldn't do it on my own and do it soon, I would have no choice but to seek professional help. I wasn't stupid enough to lose my wife or hurt my family over my lack of self worth. I knew I was being selfish.
Very recently two things happened, one of which identified me as a cancer. First an associate of mine started promoting his Life Coaching business on Facebook, of all things. Joshua Smith from Arizona, an amazing man. I thought why not, it's worth a try. We met in person or over the phone for three months. He helped a great deal. He pointed out some things that only an outsider could. I learned, and I think I got better. Truth is, most of his advise helped me on the business side of things and not so much with me personally, but still I feel like I got more than my moneys worth. He gave me some advise that will forever change my life.
One example, I explained to him how I slashed and cut my expenses several times, I cut and cut trying to get off the tracks before the train arrived. It wasn't working. I was doing the right thing, but not with the right approach. Joshua told me I wasn't looking at the big picture. Yes cutting is good, of course all the while trying to grow business and cashflow, but the big picture is re-evaluating everything. If business or your income is X, then nothing else matters, your outflow has to be below X; not to try to grow to X, fight and hope to make it, you have to get yourself below X. Doing this brings you to the starting line, a place where you're no longer at a disadvantage. The only way to almost eliminate the pressure, is to be below X. Then, he says, when business does come back, or your income increases, you'll get your life back.
I worked on his idea, his plan for a week. I had bank statements, bills, business charts and reports spread out all over my desk trying to spot the problem, how to get below X. Then it struck me, actually the full awareness of what Joshua told me sunk in. I did what I called the 'Ultimate Cut' budget just to see how it would look on paper. Wow, I was blown away. What is the Ultimate Cut? I wrote down everything I spend money on, everything. Then I crossed out anything that I absolutely didn't have to have or need. On the opposite side of the page I put what it would cost to replace it if needed. For example, as emotional as it was I crossed out our house, the one we built and raised our kids in. Then I plugged in the cost to rent a house. By taking our home out of the equation that also meant, utilities, trash, pool maintenance, yard maintenance, home warranty and much more. None of these things I would be responsible for anymore, except utilities. The difference between the numbers was vast.
That was one example. After seeing what this one change could do I went all out. I (on paper) cut everything not nailed down, well some of that too. In my Ultimate Cut I reduced our outflow by over 30%. And that number put us well below X. Now, thanks to Joshua, as I write this we have a plan, a light at the end of the tunnel. We are actively working to get there, the goal is by March 2015. When we do, we're going on vacation. As I mentioned this was one piece of two that eliminated me being a cancer; Joshua's advise gives me hope, and even though the pressure is still there, I know it won't be for long.
How did I figure out I was a cancer? I knew I was a bummer, a downer even, but a cancer? That's kind of heavy isn't it? Two months ago I went to a writers convention in Los Angeles. Four days, 8 to 10 hours a day of lectures. It was excellent; I was learning a lot, I was meeting a lot of people, but I was still what you would call a bit of a wallflower, mostly keeping to myself. On the morning of the second day the big cheese, the man who was putting on the convention and does several lectures himself spoke. Man this guy has energy. His name is Rick Frishman; great speaker, tons of energy and experience in the literary world and he loves to help people. You only had to meet him once to know this was real. But I was there to learn all I could about the in's and out's of the writing business, this wasn't some self help convention, of which I would never attend.
That morning Rick got on stage and spoke about many things, but then he started talking about how important it is to be positive about what you do, as a writer; don't let anyone say you can't or your not good enough. He explained how many great and successful writers have had to overcome heavy-duty naysayers in order to move on, and most importantly not give up on their work. This encouragement I didn't need, I have unbelievable support from my family and friends. It was in this part of his talk he told us to stay away from negative people, people who can and will bring you down; the same type of people that will tell you your not good enough or the worst is hearing someone question you as a writer. Rick said these people are a cancer! 'You have to cut out and get away from anyone that is a cancer, anyone that can bum you out or bring you down, or push you to question what your doing.' He said, "you don't need these people, you need to cut them out of your life no matter how hard it may seem or how close they are to you. Get rid of the cancer!"
Oh Crap! He's talking about me! I'm one of those people, I'm a cancer to my family and my friends. It was as if Rick hit me in the gut... hard. I got it. Instantly I got it. I don't want to be a cancer, I want to make people around me happy to see me, I want to be happy. Life's too frickin short, why am I wasting my time being a cancer? So the economy doesn't change, so I may not ever have a house I own again, that's okay, I don't care. What I do care about is making my wife, kids and friends as happy as I can, to be a positive not a negative in their lives. Since that day, actually that very moment, I changed. Every day I'm happy or at least happier. I try to always look at the positive, I spend my energy on things I can do to grow as a man, make myself a better person. Sure it's easy to slip out of the positive, it is. What I do is tell myself when I start to feel the negative vibe coming my way, I refuse to be a cancer. Seconds later the negative goes away. It took Rick, who didn't know he was talking to me to make me realize what I had become, how ugly I was, what a downer I was, I was a cancer. I am not a cancer. You don't have to be one either.
To your success!
Dutch~
Please visit me at http://www.dutchjones.com
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