underlying beliefs about relationships, and how
important it is to share those with your partner. Here,
I'll outline some specific questions you can consider.
The particular answers to these questions don't matter
too much. What matters is that you and your partner
share similar answers. Whether you are already in a
relationship or are considering marrying a partner,
these questions could be the start of a conversation
about your mutual expectations of one another.
What are the duties of a husband and a wife? What
roles should a husband alone perform, and likewise a
wife? Are these set in stone or are they negotiable?
How traditional are these roles, i.e. should a wife
clean the house and a husband always work outside the
home?
In a relationship, who should initiate sex? What
are the "rules" about who should pursue whom when it
comes to sex?
How often should a couple have sex?
Will there be children, and how many? When is the
right time to have children? What are the reasons for
having children?
Who will be responsible for the children, and how
will they be raised?
What will happen if the couple is infertile?
How will a relationship change after children, and
what do you expect your life to be like after children?
How much involvement do you expect with in-laws and
extended family?
Does the other partner have "veto power" in the
relationship? Does anyone have the role of "head of the
household"?
What constitutes infidelity in your relationship?
What do you agree to and what is your understanding of
your boundaries when it comes to other people?
What are your work values? What happens with
unemployment and how do you feel about retirement and
what it entails?
Who is responsible for the finances of the couple,
and how is money shared and managed?
How do you feel about the relationship changing
over time? For example, what would happen if your
partner pursued a completely different career or
radically changed their appearance?
What are your religious or spiritual beliefs, and
what life philosophy do you follow?
How involved are you in your community and do you
think this should change when part of a couple?
What are your political affiliations and how do you
see yourself as participating as a citizen in current
events?
What do you think is the best way to deal with
conflict? What happens when boundaries are broken and
what are your beliefs about divorce?
Do you have any "deal-breakers" that are important
to you, i.e. drug use?
How much time do you believe is healthy for a
couple to spend together vs spending time apart?
Ultimately, what is your main motivation for
pursuing a relationship? In other words, what makes a
relationship important to you?
You may discover more as you explore these questions in
more detail. Of course, 100% agreement on everything is
not likely or even desirable. But it is important to
have the conversation, and to understand for yourself
what your values and expectations are.
Lyndsay Wilson
Need to talk? I don't bite! Visit
http://www.ripples.co.za for online counselling that is
compassionate, convenient and confidential.
Follow @DailyRipples for regular tweets about mental
health and counselling.
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